Sometimes I dream of being in a mall. My mom died when I was 13. I occasionally see her in my dreams. She is always far away. She doesn't connect with me. It's her physically but her eyes don't feel like her and she doesn't speak to me or hug me. She runs away from me. In life she was an alcoholic and was abusive to myself and many people in her life. When she died, though, I was heartbroken. Seeing her in my dreams is always exciting until I see that she isn't interested in seeing me, too.
Dreams about deceased loved ones can evoke a range of emotions and often reflect unresolved feelings or experiences related to that person. In your case, dreaming of your mother, especially in a physical space like a mall, may symbolize various aspects of your relationship with her and your emotional journey since her passing.
Symbol of the Mall: Malls are places of commerce, social interaction, and choice. Dreaming of being in a mall could represent your life's exploration, choices, and interactions. It may indicate that you're navigating through experiences that involve a blend of emotions about your mother and the life you continue to lead without her.
Seeing Your Mother from a Distance: The fact that she appears but remains far away suggests a longing for connection that is unfulfilled. This distance could symbolize your feelings of abandonment or the emotional barriers you faced during her life and after her death. It may also reflect your struggle to reconcile your desire for a motherly bond with the reality of her past behavior.
Her Lack of Engagement: Your mother not connecting with you—running away or showing disinterest—might express your feelings of unresolved issues from your relationship. This behavior in your dreams can signify feelings of rejection and how, despite your yearning for her affection, the relationship remains strained even in memory. It may also suggest feelings of anger or sadness about the way things were and an ongoing struggle to understand her duality as a loving mother and abusive figure.
The Heartbreak: Your initial excitement at seeing her indicates a deep-seated emotional connection and longing for reconciliation. However, the subsequent heartbreak reveals your grappling with grief, loss, and perhaps feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness of her love. It underscores the complexity of your relationship—loving her but also feeling hurt by what you experienced.
Processing Grief: Dreams can serve as a way for your subconscious to process grief and resolve lingering feelings. You may still be working through the trauma and love associated with your mother, as well as the impact of her alcoholism and abuse on your life.
In summary, this dream might reflect your ongoing journey of reconciling your longing for your mother, your feelings of abandonment, and the complex emotions tied to her memory. It can be helpful to explore these feelings further, perhaps through journaling or talking with a therapist, to understand your relationship with her and the effects it has had on your life.